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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - World Trade Center | 2001-11-01 2:25 p.m.Must be more gaddamned focused. I think I will be glad if R gets the job in Boston. This job has been downhill since they took the accounting away from me. I guess I'm not meant to be a scientist of any sort. I'm just bored. I really need a vacation. Tonight I have Physics lab. At least it's on light and magnification. I get that stuff. We have a test coming up next week. That means I actually have to get cracking. I used to be such a good student. Honors and everything. I'm so pedestrian and domestic now. At least I don't look like an old frumpy housewife. I'd kill myself. And I've decided I absolutely love my hair. So I'm not going to Tucson for Christmas. It really is too bad, but both my mother and I are freaked out about me flying. I had a dream one night about someone putting anthrax in the ventilation system of my plane, and we all died before we landed. Pleasant. I can't say my life is unchanged by the last couple of months. Living in NJ has been hard. Many people from my own town died. I don't know any of them, though. R used to suggest all the time that we go into NYC. He has only said it once since, and that was to go get his boots custom fit at some shop. Only a couple of hours in and out, and we would take the train. Turned out their machine was broken so we didn't go. I told him last night that no matter how many times I saw them play that damn footage of the buildings falling, I just couldn't get a grasp on the fact that they were gone. I was there just 2 years ago. I have a picture of myself on the top, looking over the skyline. I remember vividly looking out at the statue of liberty. And how scared and intimidated I felt standing in line in the lobby waiting to get the tickets to go to the top. "This building is so huge," I thought. "What if it just topples over when a big gust of wind comes along?" I pressed my face against the glass of the top floor observation deck and looked at the sheer drop to the bottom. At the last few minutes the buildings stood, people were taking their own lives by that route. We stood at the base of the buildings and took pictures upward, admiring how they looked like they were bending over on top of us. If I had been standing there on September 11th, I could have been doused with jet fuel and burned to death. We went under the building into the train station and caught a ride home. That's all gone. The top of the world is gone. Where I was standing is just AIR, surrounded by thousands of angels. Listening to:
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