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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - Old boyfriends - 127 | 12.21.01 1:14 pmIt's going to be a long week. I put on my "slimming" pants today. I usually wear them when I'm feeling really good because they make me feel thin. They are usually snug. Today, I have to keep pulling them up. But next week, I am going to ruin all that. Tonight, we are going up to Massachusetts. We will stay at Rob's mom's house until Monday. Monday night we will stay at Rob's sister's house and spend Christmas morning with the kids. Then we will have dinner with his dad, and head up to Maine Christmas night. Skiing will follow. Until New Year's Day. I have skis that I bought last season. They are Solomons. I've never owned my own skis, so this is really exciting. And my own boots too. Anyway, I don't know how many days I will ski, but I am going to take it easy. I usually get so worn out because I try to do too much at once. I'm still somewhere between beginner and intermediate. I hate it when R (the aggressive skier) drags me along through the moguls. I just fall down, cry, get up, cry, fall, yell, cry, fall... you get the idea. I'm not ready for the big stuff. I started cycling at the gym to work on my quads. I hope that helps. Food will be an interesting obstacle. I will most likely have to buy food at the slope, and I hate spending lots of money on food. This should work out alright. But the food at the slopes are never really good for you. And even if they were, would we, the skiers, eat them? A salad just doesn't cut it when you are skiing. You have to have the beef soup in the boule! That's the only way to be. Am I boring? It's a rhetorical question, don't sign my gbook telling me I am. I read other journals that are so riveting and insightful. I just chat about the weather and my weight. I'm 23, I do think about more interesting things that, ew, my thighs look puffy! But when I'm at work, and that's when I usually write, I am not emulating Moliere. I have no wish to be deep and philosophical. In fact, I'm pretty ditzy at work. I can never seem to complete a punchline. I start to talk, and by the end of the sentence, I'm mummbling because I realize my own idiocy. I'm a moron. Old boyfriends are like bad pennies. Got an email from my ex-boyfriend today. The one who almost proposed, but I cheated on him. ((sigh)) That was a stupid mistake, but I owned up to it immediately. It was the coward's way out, because I knew that I didn't want to be with him, but he was such a nice guy that I didn't have a REASON to break up with him. So I had to be the evil one. And he wanted to forgive me and stay together! Well, that didn't happen. Anyway, so yes, he wrote to me. Not much has changed with him. It shook me up to read something from him. I wish I could have just made a clean break and never spoken to him again. He haunts me. It makes me think of other guys in my life with whom I have made clean break. One guy had absolutely no aspiration to do ANYTHING with his life. He lived with his mom, and didn't want to go to college. I asked him why, and he said something like he didn't want to leave his friends. Then he complained about all his friends leaving. Where did they go? College. And he didn't want to join the Marines because after 3 years of service he still wouldn't have a degree. Well, it would have gotten you farther than you're going now - nowhere! Dolt. And another guy, I was really good friends with. There was that sexual tension that some friends have. That sexual tension that you never explore? R was at Whistler one spring break, and I went over to his house to pick up some shoes or something that I had left at work. I ended up having some wine -- too much wine, really. There had been lots of people over, so I felt relatively good about being there, but then everyone vanished, and it was just me and him in the living room watching tv. He turned on the playboy channel or something and I was so drunk I just laughed at everything. I was laying down on one couch and he came over and laid down behind me. I didn't really think anything of it -- I was drunk! He said, "Turn around, I want to tell you something." I said, "What?" "Turn around!" I turned my head towards him and he practically shoved his tongue down my throat and started groping me. I started to cry. He said, "What's wrong?" I said, "I can't do this, I'm in love with someone else." I will never forget what he said in return. "So am I, but they're not here right now." I sobered up and left at about 2 AM. I probably shouldn't have been driving, but I had to get out of there. We have not spoken since. I don't need friends like that. On that note, I am going off for vacation. I don't know if I will be around at all until New Years. If not, have a safe Holiday season, and be well!
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