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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - Motivation - 128 | 01.08.02 9:31 amAh, funny, funny stuff. R borrowed someone's trainer and put it on his bike last night. We ate dinner, and about an hour later, he got on the trainer. He huffed and puffed and rode absolutely nowhere. Then he dismounted and died on the floor. He disappeared, and then about 30 minutes later, he reappeared swearing up a storm. "Guess how much I weigh," he said. "Uh, 180?" His previous weight. His weight all through college. Or was it 170? "Nope." "190?" "Nope." Uh, oh. Dare I go higher? "200?" "Yup. I'm fat." Hehheh. No, he's not. He's gained weight. I think it's noticeable. But he's still "thin." He hasn't got a beer gut or anything. Just love handles. I think it suits him. I felt threatened when he was thin. Like he was competing with me. Now I feel justified when he eats candy bars in front of me. It used to be that he could eat anything he wanted, and it wouldn't make a difference. Now it does. But it all makes me think. I've had a scale for about a month and a half. And he's only stepped on it this one time? I MUST have OCD. At least once a day for me, if not twice. Things are winding down on the work front. Getting things off my desk is getting easier. I worked on my resume yesterday, and it's ready to be sent to prospective employers, if I find any. I still feel incredibly dizzy. I got out of bed this morning and walked into two different walls. And a door frame. I'm not healthy yet. Tons of vitamins this morning. I hope they help. I hate being sick. R and I got into bed at about 10:30 last night. I sat there for a moment and then decided I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. I had to "think," and I hate lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking. So I went into the living room and cross stitched until midnight. I realized I have lost a lot of my drive. I let so many things slide. If I don't want to do something at work, I just sort of conveniently forget or cover up my mistakes. I'm so lax. What's the deal? I used to be so gung ho. When did I get lazy? This must stop. I have to hold myself accountable. Which also brings up the subject of weight loss. The last several days I have not done well. Lots of calories. No exercise in a month! (Well, a little, but I haven't gone to the gym AT ALL.) If I want to reach my goals, then I have to work harder! A lot of my thinking last night had to do with my life, career, jobs, etc. I don't want to work! I want to do my little thing for the society and other companies, and model or act or something. Well, I can't just do that by hoping. I need to be held accountable. So suck it up, Lis. Get to work. Just do it.Listening to:
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