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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - Self-motivation | 01.11.02 2:00 pmOh how pleasant. Someone got to my page by putting "irradiated mail" into Google. Going skiing this weekend. I must have left my ski pants in Maine, because they are nowhere to be found. Great. This is looking to be an absolutely delightful weekend. The only other girl who was supposed to go is not going. So one room, 6 guys, and me. I don't even want to ski. Just go and cross stitch by the fire. I went to buy a mEticket at killington.com, but you have to give at least 3 business days for receipt... and I'll be there tomorrow. Screw it. I don't want to pay full price when I don't even want to be there. Ugh. What's my problem? I thought I was supposed to be on anti-depressants so that I WOULDN'T BE DEPRESSED. Hello? Why am I in a foul mood? Maybe it's the fight R and I had last night. Maybe it's the Zoloft and the seratonin. Maybe it's the stress and anticipation of moving. Maybe it's because it seems like everything in my life is temporary. Nothing is really real right now. Not "for real." Not playing for keeps. Like a video game. None of it counts. Maybe that's why I'm cheating on my diet? I'm 127 today, and have been for 3 days, but if you look at my weight loss journal (under DIET below) you'll see I've not been keeping the calories down. And I haven't done any work. Or anything meaningful. I'm a pile of shit. I stink. I'm useless. I want to die. I want to suffocate. Burn to death. Freeze. Something. At least that would be interesting. It would be ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING. Instead of just sitting here. Doing nothing. Rotting. Thinking about how I want to do things. What the hell is stopping me? What would I rather be doing? Running. Cross stitching. Having sex. Eating. Doing my mailing for the society. Arranging my wedding. EVEN SKIING. Drinking water. Having a cup of coffee at Dunkins. Having a sub. Doing dishes. Cleaning my apartment. Writing a novel. Painting a portrait. Designing a webpage. Modeling. What would I do if I had a million dollars? All the things I just put above. And I would put a whole lot of money into a personal trainer, and then I would model. What the hell? Two more days? What's my problem? Just get it done, moron. DOn't just sit there. DO IT!!!!!!!! I think maybe I'm going crazy? First things first. I need to clean off this desk. And put stuff away. Then write some emails. And sort. Easy enough. So go get a cup of coffee, a cup of water, come back to your desk, and DO IT. Bye. Listening to:
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