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No change in weight today. I feel like a boat, a cruise ship, a fucking barge perhaps. My hips are huge. Water weight gain sucks. I even took a Premsyn (sp?) this morning in the hopes that it would relieve the pressure a bit. It hasn't.

R rear-ended some guy this morning on the way in. I was looking down at my cell phone book (got a new cell phone last night) and suddenly .... (THUMP!!!!) I was so angry. I had been thinking on our way out of the condos that something was going to happen and I wasn't going to make it to work. I even went so far as to think that AFTER the accident (?!) I wouldn't ride with R anymore. Spastic much?

I was up really late last night doing stuff for the society. We went to bed really late, and I am so groggy this morning, never mind the fact that I couldn't get myself out of bed and we were late to work. I need a good night sleep for once.

Is it lunch time yet? I'm starving. At least I haven't snacked yet. For about the past week I have been so hungry that I've bought a muffin mid-morning. Doesn't help the weight loss I'm going for. But they were yummy. Well, I really want one now, just thinking about it. NO! BAD GIRL!! 800 calories a day is not a lot and all this excess food isn't helping. It's not like I purge. SO I can't get away with this. And I'm not even exercising! I've decided that I'll have to wait on dance, because it's just too expensive. Getting a gym membership wouldn't be as bad because R's work will pay for most if not all of it. I went on ebay and bid on two exercise videos that I want. Hopefully I'll get them. I can't afford to pay full price for them.

That reminds me, I freaked out on R last night about money. I owe him A LOT of money, never mind my credit card debt. I'm making all the minimum payments and everything, but it's like I just keep getting deeper and deeper into debt without a single care. Hanging around with S has made me realize how bad I am with money. She counts every red cent!

Anyway, about freaking out. We were at the pizza house, and R asked me if I had paid yet. I started to get really pissy and accused him of bullying me financially. He has a check from me for $1500, half of the carpet payment. It's all I have. I told him that I couldn't pay for dinner because I didn't have much cash. He said, "Well, we can go to the cash machine on the way home." I said, "No, I can't do that." "Why?" Because there is no money in my account to go to the cash machine for!" He didn't seem to get that the first two or three times I said that. LIke, what do you mean? doesn't money grow on trees? And he brought up the fact that his credit card is 0% until October.... and I'm paying him now because....? I should be using that $1500 to put towards my 2.9% and 9.9% credit cards and get them as low as possible! I was unemployed for a month! He was not! I NEED THAT MONEY. Anyway, I started to hyperventilate and the room was spinning. I was crying. I needed to puke. It wasn't good. So we went home and I laid down. That's never happened before. I'm so scared about money. I just want to cut up all my credit cards. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't make that much money, and yet I spent it like a millionaire.

Which brings me to another subject. I was also bummed out last night because of my career. I'm 23. I came to the realization last night that I have just been putting off making a decision about what to do with the rest of my life. I talked with R about it. He said that he didn't think I would get into modeling because it's not something you just break into, and if I was going to do it, I would have done it by now. Same thing with music. He also tried to comfort me by saying that I was good at everything I did and that's why I couldn't decide. He said I just need to find something I LOVE and not something I'm just good at. I'm interested in looking into becoming a CPA. I have no idea what a CPA even does, but I wouldn't mind being an accountant, and R's mom said that a CPA makes a lot more money than an accountant. I took a test back in college to try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life (career), and it suggested I become an actuary. I think I scored osmething like a 99% fit with the actuary profile. WHAT THE HELL IS AN ACTUARY?

In any case, I can't do this for the rest of my life.

It's now 11 AM. THis morning has flown by. If only every day went by this fast. I'm so bored here. The people are actually quite nice, which is a comfort, but I need something more.

***pause***

My junior writing teacher in college suggested continuous writing to cure a writer's block. Maybe it will help my life block? Just keep writing, don't take "the pencil off the paper" and if you hit a brick wall, just write whatever is going on in your head, like can't write can't think of anything to write, I'm clueless, no thoughts, bored, whatever.

That's what I think I should be doing now except that it's very boring to read, isn't it? Just my blah blah blah comments on my angel background, how dull? I'm really quite boring, eh? Ugh, I'm disgusted with myself.

With that, I'll stop bugging you.

PS I got googled for "bra wearing guidance" which makes me wonder who would search for that kind of thing?

Listening to:
Thinking:
Weight:

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My current state is:

recent entries:

Bah - 138 07.19.08
Losing control - 135 07.11.06
Spa weekend - 132 07.03.06
Drinking too much - 134 06.27.06
Okay weekend - ??? 06.26.06