Angel Without Wings
i'm not here - this isn't happening
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Stream of consciousness - 126 | 03.13.02 3:44 pmI feel exceptionally lonely. And it's not a new feeling. I just suddenly placed it. I keep checking my email, checking my buddy list, waiting for SOMEONE to show a sign of life. I want to be in contact with a person. But there's NO ONE around. Food is unappealing to me today. I brought some lime jello to work. Ewwww! I thought I would like it. Boy, was I wrong. It smells like household cleaner. And then a coworker gave me the rest of a bag of Fritos. Oh, a weakness. Well, I ate it. And now my tongue feels like it is coated in grease. My hands feel disgusting. My face feels slimy. I'm getting a headache. WHat did I go and do that for? At least I probably won't be hungry for the rest of the day. Yuch.... I feel impotent. And I don't mean sexually. DOes anyone know what I mean? I feel lifeless and tired. I slept a little better last night because I tried out my new NYC Ballet video. It kicked my butt. It's definitely not for beginners. I was wiped when I laid down to go to sleep. I only woke up once or twice during the night, which is an improvement. And I fell right back to sleep. I miss restful sleep. I must have jinxed myself, because I had been thinking sometime last week, "Gee, it sure is strange how I've been sleeping so well through the night since I've been on medication." I should have knocked on wood. So many words running through my brain, none of them make any sense. Maybe a stream of consciousness list will help. school
writing class
kbw
miss singing
dreams
headache
bad writer
loser
lack of motivation
sorry kbw, not talking about you, just wondering where you are
why won't the radio station play my request?
need to buy some art for the townhouse
need to make more money so I can buy art for the townhouse
need to study for the exam
my eye has been twitching for about a week
I feel uncomfortable in this skin
looking down on all his creatures sending blessings from above
or something like that
alleluia
am I religious?
do I want to be?
yes
I just want to be married already
I positively miss my niece
There's a pic of her on the previous page
I am going to make her little bear a new outfit, he needs one
I wish my family would move back to New England from Arizona
I miss them
I have this horrible feeling that my mom is going to die sometime soon
and it doesn't help that I know she will die someday regardless
I will go into such a deep state of depression when that happens
I love my mom so much
when I just think about her getting sick and being in the hospital (which hasn't happened at all yet) I burst out in tears
but I'm not crying now thank goodness
I don't want to deal with my parents getting old
I want them to stay young forever
PLEASE?
my nose keeps on running
it's been running for about, well, since I got back to New England, does that mean I'm allergic to New England?
Okay, that's it, I'm going to get some coffee now
*pause*
that's better
I requested two pieces on beethoven.com
I hope they play at least one of them, although I know they are no where near being popular pieces
1. Bobby McFerrin & Yo-Yo Ma, Vocalise, by Rachmaninoff
2. The Kronos Quartet & Dawn Upshaw, Lacrymosa, by Yanov-Yanovsky
Both BEAUTIFUL pieces
we used the first one for a dance duet at summer camp and the second one was used in a play I did the sound for
I wish this phone would stop ringing, these people don't want to talk to me, so I don't bother answering the phone, but I feel guilty
mmmm, the smell of slime, oops, I mean lime
I will go dump it out now
*pause*
I really love Brahm's Requiem, we performed it at college my freshman year, it was unbelievable
but the most unbelievable piece I've ever performed was Mahler's 2nd
I miss singing so much
How the hell do you get back into something like that?
Well, I'm not about to get back into it with my schedule
This is turning into quite a dialogue
And I feel like I'm finally getting out all those pent up thoughts
CATHARTIC
I used to write poetry in a book at home, whatever happened to doing that?
I don't want to be a part of the workforce anymore
My mom and dad want me to be involved in MannaTech
they have started another home business, this one to sell nutritional supplements
I am wondering if they are any good
my parents have been taking them, and my mom's sciatica is gone (for now?) and my dad is finally losing weight
there could be something to it
anybody want to try some of this stuff?
like a natural weight loss system
no ephedra
could be good
I want to try it myself, first
be my own guinea pig?????
I was going to talk about something else, but I've forgotten it
I'm really afraid I'm going to lose my diamond, since one of the prongs is horribly bent out of shape, and another looks loose
what's my problem?????
Need to lose weight
I don't want to see T & S this weekend, they've been so reluctant to go out with us, and R just keeps on pushing
He actually invited himself to go along that weekend we got tossed out of Karma
I felt like we were being so rude
Anyway
blah blah blah
I'm sick of Ode to Joy already, let it end
my head is clearing just a little bit
Well, one thing is clear, I shouldn't work here any more
I don't do anything useful, and if the regular woman isn't coming back, they should have a temp in here who might possibly stay permanently
Ugh, I hate needing a job
Why can't I be independently wealthy???
Anybody have a get rich quick scheme they wouldn't mind letting me in on?
Just want to go to sleep right now
It is SO INCREDIBLY BLAH outside
I took a quiz earlier that I wouldn't mind sharing with people here
but what's the use
never mind
I want to be doing something artistic right now
or beneficial to my future, at least
I think I found my niece, the daughter my sister gave up for adoption 14 year ago
it's really bizarre
I've done some research online, and I think my theory is right
Ugh, I need to suck it up and go study probablity and statistics
am I serious about this?
YES.
SO JUST GO DO IT ALREADY
FINE. Ugh, I'm out of breath. Later.
Listening to:
Thinking:
Weight: - last entry / next entry -
My current state is: 
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