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Had a nervous breakdown, sometime in the last week. Don't know if it's over. I attribute part of it to my anxiety disorder. The other part I blame on food. Or my lack of control with food.

Ballet on Saturday was good. My calves still ache. I can feel the muscles going up the inside of my thighs are getting stronger.

I started a cover for my comforter on Sunday. It's almost done. Last night I finished most of the stitching and the button holes. Now I just have two seams left and the buttons to attach. It's so exciting! I love finishing a project.

I'm disheartened by diaryland. I used to feel like I was surrounded by people when I was here. Now I realize how lonely I am. I'm just a little voice in a big empty room.

I ate all sorts of crap yesterday, and I'm generally doing nothing for my weight loss goals. I'm down to 125, but I was supposed to be down to 124 by last Friday and I'm supposed to be at 122 in two days. It's not going to happen. I'm still trying to lose weight, it's not like I've given up entirely, but I think I set unrealistic goals for myself. I wanted to fast today, nothing but tea and water. Already, I've had tea, which made me nauseated. So I had a few rice cakes (which I love) and now I'm sipping on some chicken broth. I feel a little cleansed already. I'm not good at fasting. I get insane headaches and generally can't function. So we'll see what happens. I just felt like absolute shite yesterday after having two packages of peanut M&Ms and scallops for dinner. I don't know what I was thinking. Ah, see, I WASN'T. I thought I was going to explode last night. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable, like my body didn't know what to do with all the waste I introduced into it. Eating when you're not hungry. Gotta love it. Makes you feel like a glutton.

Anyway, trying to find focus and stasis in my psychosis.

Ah, my last day at this temp job is April 3rd. I'm so bored. It has given me time to study for the actuarial exam (which I don't think I'll be prepared to take in May), but it makes the day go by so slowly, and I'm sure it's one of the things driving me absolutely nuts. I called my temp agency last night and told them I wanted to end this assignment. It's all on good terms. The people here knew I wasn't going to stay perm. R is switching to the Worcester site at the end of next week, so we won't be able to carpool anymore, and I'm not going to commute 1 hr just to sit at a desk and do nothing.

So that's my short update.

I've got Eric Whitacre in my head....

"Water Night"

Night with the eyes of a horse that trembles in the night,
night with eyes of water in the field asleep
is in your eyes, a horse that trembles,
is in your eyes of a secret water.

Eyes of shadow-water,
eyes of well-water,
eyes of dream-water.

Silence and solitude,
two little animals moon-led,
drink in your eyes,
drink in those waters.

If you open your eyes,
night opens, doors of musk,
the secret kingdom of the water opens
flowing from the center of night.

And if you close your eyes,
a river fills you from within,
flows forward, darkens you:
night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.

Listening to:
Thinking:
Weight:

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My current state is:

recent entries:

Bah - 138 07.19.08
Losing control - 135 07.11.06
Spa weekend - 132 07.03.06
Drinking too much - 134 06.27.06
Okay weekend - ??? 06.26.06