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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - That long cold walk to the shower | 06.24.02 11:15 pmI got a lot done today, especially considering it was supposed to be my last.
I'll be at Staples for 3 more weeks. (I'm taking the week off next week, so I'm still giving them 2 weeks of notice.) The only thing I have to do now is cancel my DSL service and resubscribe to AT&T. I just can't afford DSL, even though dial-up sucks ass. I'm still planning my suicide. It's getting harder and harder as I think about it. I started looking at anti-suicide pages, written by parents and friends of people who have gone (how I envy them), and by people who have survived. Damn them. They make me feel guilty. Should I live my life simply because I'd be hurting other people with my death? R would be absolutely crushed. But I know he would move on. He's tough like that. Nothing phases him. But I would have to pack everything up and sell it. I would have to get rid of this very computer so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. I would have to quit working with the society. I would have to pay off all my bills. I would have to erase my name completely. SO that when I was gone, it would be as if nothing changed. Like a drop of water hitting the surface of the lake without repercussion. I'd have to sell my car. I'd shred up my diploma. I'd have to settle my estate. I want it to be like I never existed. I don't think I can get across to you just how much I hate myself and my life. But on the other hand, I almost stopped at the hospital down the road on the way home. What would I say? Hi, can you please protect me from me? What if they laughed at me? What if they said I was overreacting? What if R said I was overreacting? What if he laughed at me? Liv was so cute. I told her I was depressed and that I'm suicidal. She asked if there was something she could do. I said not unless she could do something to make the depression disappear, or better yet, fix me up with some medication. She said, "You know, if you had talked to me yesterday, I would have been able to help you." Confused? Then she said something about how she was the resident wizard up until yesterday, but she had surrendered her wand and cloak just last night. :) Cute. Then she came up with a cute little analogy: You know how in the winter a hot shower or bath is the best thing ever? You get out of bed and it's cold and you have to walk to the shower, but then you get in and it's so wonderful? Well, right now, you're on that walk to the bathroom, and even though it's freezing cold, you're gonna get into the shower, no, a bubble bath, and it's going to be a wonderful hot bath, and that cold walk to the bathroom is going to say, gee, Alissa, you sure showed me! Ha! She rocks. I wish it was that simple. My doctor's appt is July 12th. Can I make it? Listening to: cars driving by
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