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I broke yesterday.

I filled out an application to become a waitress and I absolutely lost it.

Look how far I've fallen. I used to be a bright girl. I used to have high hopes. I used to have a future.

Now I can't even fill out an application to become a fucking waitress correctly.

I was in the car with R and I just started crying uncontrollably. I just want to die.

I said, "I think I've hit bottom."

He said, "Well, then, there's nowhere to go but up."

Not if I can't pick myself up. Because I know you aren't going to help me.

Fucking great help you are.

I can't pay my fucking bills. I can't get a new job. I can't go back to school. I hate myself so much it hurts. All I could think about yesterday was downing a bottle of sleeping pills. Now it's pain killers and vodka.

I can't imagine ever feeling better than this. It's seems I'm destined to suffer.

I want to just end it all but my stupid guilty self won't let me until my debts are paid off, so I won't burden anyone after I'm gone.

I need to sell off my stuff. I don't need it.

I'm punishing my body by overeating. A whole package of choco chip cookies on Saturday and a zillion oreos yesterday. Already 3 bowls of cereal this morning. Can you eat yourself to death?

I told R that he should put me in an institution. He said that was silly. But I really think it's where I belong.

I'm back on the Zoloft, full strength, but it doesn't seem to matter any more.

I wish this was goodbye. I know it's not. :( *deep sigh*

Listening to: nothing
Thinking: nothing
Weight: i wish it was nothing

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My current state is:

recent entries:

Bah - 138 07.19.08
Losing control - 135 07.11.06
Spa weekend - 132 07.03.06
Drinking too much - 134 06.27.06
Okay weekend - ??? 06.26.06