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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - After the wedding II | 10.23.02 4:42 pmUgh, I'm so bad. I told myself that I would not surf the web when I got home. I even have a little sign on my monitor that says, "DO NOT SURF." And what do I go and do? Unforgiveable, I tell you. So the wedding went well. I don't really feel like talking about it right now because I'm so sick of people at the restaurant asking me, "How was the wedding?" It was fine. Moving on! My weight.... eh. I had wanted to be 117 for the wedding. What I realized was that trying to lose weight causes me stress. Getting ready for a wedding causes me stress too. Two stress factors? Not doable. I just couldn't do it. So I stopped stepping on the scale. I didn't want to depress myself on top of things. So there. I went to the gym this morning before work (it was snowing!!!!), came home and ate breakfast and then took a shower. THEN I stepped on the scale (I never do that after showering or eating) and it said 129. Not happiness. :( But I'm just getting back into this. I have forgotten how to stop myself from eating CRAP. I love CRAP. What's the deal? Pizza is my favorite food. I admit it. I made an apple pie last night, too. I ate 2 pieces and then brought the rest into work to share with my coworkers. They downed it, and so it's not plaguing me anymore. That's a relief. I love to bake, but I always end up eating it all myself. I DON'T NEED THAT POUNDAGE. I have, however, stopped eating chocolate. Yay me! I lapse every now and then, but I usually regret it and it sets me right. Like I had a piece of chocolate cake at my wedding, because it was more moist and tastier than the white cake in my wedding cake. But then of course my abdomen started hurting and my legs sort of went funny, so I knew that was a bad choice. So no more chocolate. Who needs it? I find that cutting chocolate out really limits the choices on most desserts. Now if I go to an ice cream stand, really the only thing I can eat is vanilla, coffee, strawberry, butter pecan or black raspberry. And I really only like coffee and vanilla. How boring. So I might get a small coffee shake, but it's just not satisfying the way an M&M sundae is. But I know the way an M&M sundae makes me FEEL, and so I think better of it. Then I just don't end up eating dessert at all because I don't like my options. It works well in the end. Oooooh! I went to Geoffrey Beene while I was in Maine and tried on some clothes. I was very happy to find that GB runs large, so I had to try on size 4 in order for the clothes to fit. I'm still somewhere between 6 and 8, so that was exciting. It just made my month when R said the other day, while I was wearing my new GB pants, "Size 4 girl!" :):):):) I know I'm not REALLY a size 4, but what a good feeling! It was true inspiration. My dreams have been extremely vivid lately. I bought a dream journal and I have only written one down, but is my psyche trying to tell me something? Like last night, I dreamt about the wedding (I thought that it was OVER!). There was a second part of the wedding that I had forgotten about, and I overslept and missed my salon appointment, so I had to try to do my hair myself, but I was so anxious I couldn't do it, and then I was a mess, but I had to go, and all my friends were there, just STARING at me, and they said, "So you didn't make it to your appointment?" I felt miserable and just walked out. What a horrible dream! I woke up when my alarm went off at 7 but I felt so lousy after that dream that I stayed in bed until 7:50. I didn't get to spend as much time at the gym as I would have liked, and I don't know why I let dreams affect me so much. I need to go back to being a secretary. I want to go to business school, but I don't have money. In order to make money, I need a better job. In order to get a better job, I will have to do admin work. It's depressing. Ugh. But maybe a company will offer to pay for my education. That would be perfect. Getting back on track is hard. I realize now that I have to cut down on the amount of crap in my life. My office (the room in my house that I call my office) is an absolute pig sty. I need to get rid of the stuff that is just sitting there taking up space and chuck it. I have all these clothes and things that I want to donate to Salvation Army, but I still haven't gone, and I'm considering just throwing it all away because I'm procrastinating, but then I know I will feel awful with the knowledge that I threw away winter coats when people are freezing living on the street. Does any of this make sense? Moving on, my house is starting to look good (despite the mess). We got picture frames and mirrors from the wedding, and so I've hung those up. The place doesn't look so bare any more. Well, I really must get a move on. Get some things accomplished. It's good to be back. Listening to: Smashing Pumpkins
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