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i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - I'm not here - more and more panic attacks - 124 | 12.03.02 11:28 pmEven though I didn't make my 50,000 word goal by November 30th, I don't think my writing was all for naught. The last two weeks have been amazing. Granted, I had a panic attack the day before Thanksgiving and almost drove myself off the road. In fact, I've had three major panic attacks in the last 2.5 weeks. (I've started keeping track with my calendar.) And by major, I mean incredibly suicidal rampages. No mutilation or anything like that. But I'm not doing as well as I had thought. Despite that, like I said, I've come to some amazing conclusions in the past few weeks. Part of it has to do with a conversation R and I had this past weekend about my outlook on life and problems. I don't feel so useless after that conversation. There is still hope for me. The other part is my new awareness of my panic disorder. I don't think I'm any closer to ending it, but it takes some of the stress off. I can now recognize when I'm having an attack, like last week. The only problem is, they are getting more and more serious. I get closer and closer to doing something incredibly stupid. Now I believe that I'm just generally depressed. I'm obsessed with this need "to have a purpose." I keep on saying it. There is no purpose to my life. I don't have a purpose. I need a purpose. I need a RAISON D'ETRE. This is getting quite serious. I'm nearing the end of my Zoloft. I'm scared. And I'm imitating a deer in the headlights; I know how to get more pills, but I can't bring myself to do it. Part of it is that the little voice in my head is telling me I don't need them because soon I'll be gone. Another part is that I can't justify wasting a doctor's time with my pitiful needs. R keeps on asking me if I've called the therapist that Nate recommended. I just can't bring myself to waste money and her time when I am nothing. But on a brighter note, I still don't know what I want to do with my life. As in, a career. I had a brainstorm Monday and realized, YES, I could be an architect. I love designing things. Love love love it. I took an architecture class back in high school, but I never took it any further than that one class. I had an awesome time, and I was good at it. But how do I become an architect without pouring money and time into college classes? I'm fighting off a sinus infection, I think. I'm tired and my head is pounding. Not to mention my throat hurts like hell. I am now hooked on Harry Potter. I'm on the third book. Not as good as the second, but I'm still riveted. Listening to: Radiohead, Kid A
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