 |
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||
|
i'm not here - this isn't happening - last entry / next entry - The man - depression is seductive - 124 | 01.29.03 9:30 amI'm not thrilled about being married. I wasn't thrilled the day of, I'm not thrilled after the fact. Life is the same, maybe even a little bit more boring for us. Whatever. He comes home yesterday from his ski trip, and. We're. Just. There. Nothing spectacular. No surprises. No happiness. He got me a cute little t-shirt from Jackson Hole. Very form fitting, and I'm sure I'll love it. But whatever. Granted, he was exhausted and suffering from whiplash. And he was upset that as soon as I got home I went upstairs to do Society stuff for an hour. I had to. No, I couldn't do it last weekend. I only got the stuff yesterday. And today I have to do a mailing. My life does not stop for him. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he wish it did. Ever since I started singing again and auditioning, he's been sort of down and out. Jealous? Of me? Of my time? News flash! The world does not fucking revolve around him. I don't know what to do. Part of me, the loud voice in my head, says screw him, divorce the bastard. Move on with your life and do the things you want to do. And then the other side (the PAST-voice, I like to call it, the me that wanted to marry this schmuck and always said never get a divorce) says, don't be impatient, it will all be resolved as long as you work on it. I dunno. I doubt anything will change. Like I said, I'm not thrilled. I just wanted to kick him out of bed last night. He woke me up several times talking in his sleep. Correction: yelling in his sleep. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!" "NO WAY!" "YAH!!!!!" Skiing still? And then he elbowed me so hard and made a huge scene when his leg cramped up. He got up and went to the bathroom, then came back and said, "Are you awake?" Well, yeah, who could be asleep after that production? And then he proceeded to have sex with me. I was asleep dude. It's 1:30 in the morning. Let me be. What was wrong with screwing me when we got into bed at 9:30? I have never rolled my eyes so much during sex. Totally not interested. Sickened, even. Why do I do this? What's the point? This is not right. Otherwise, life is, well, awkward. The seratonin-induced headaches have lessened. However, I'm upping the dosage again tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. More headaches to come. Great. Joy. Rapture. Lissy and I were talking about the whole medication conundrum, and although it makes the dips less harsh, it also lowers the peaks. Life is just not all that interesting. Am I to be reduced to an automaton? A zombie, stumbling lifelessly through each day, deafened to the furvor of all that is exciting and vibrant in the world? Excellent. From depression to ignorance. I think I liked the depression more. I just wanted to stop the suicidal tendencies, guys, not lose my enthusiasm for life! Fuck it. My therapist and I were talking about my suicidal tendencies. The whole reason I'm in therapy is to figure out what I want in my life and to stop the wanting to hurt myself thing that I fall into routinely. She said the best way to take care of it is to stop myself. Be my own intervention. I tried very hard to convey to her that when I'm headed in that direction, I just WANT to keep going with it. It's SEDUCTIVE. It's so easy to just sink into the deepest depths of manic depression. When you're depressed, nothing in life is interesting. Your emotions are muffled. Things that bring you happiness or even sadness have no effect on you. You're just numb. So to feel any type of emotion, even MANIC emotions, is so WONDERFUL. To feel PASSIONATE about something, even if it's your own demise is FABULOUS. And you start to reason with yourself that if you feel strongly about something FINALLY, it must be the right thing! It just makes so much sense when you're there, in the moment. The whole thing is one giant domino effect, and you almost don't want to stop yourself. I feel I am denying some twisted sort of joy by stopping the mania. But overall, my manic attacks are a waste of time and I've accomplished nothing by having them. I am trying to keep that in mind when I'm headed for one. You know, I used to be a lot funnier. Not that you would know that. My old college roommate sent out an email to her friends telling them she had a blog*spot diary. I took a look at it and MAN is it hilarious. I really miss her, although I know I just annoyed her. I wasn't the best of roommates. A bit of a nazi. But we had a good time together, and I loved reading her dailies. *sigh* I'm so dull. Sorry. Listening to: Classical
- last entry / next entry - |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
recent entries:
|
 |
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||
