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Well, here I am.
At my highest weight since, well, 2001. It makes me sad and frustrated. And I seem to love sabotaging myself.

So I'm back again.

I'm 28 now, and part of me is afraid that my metabolism is just slowing down. But I know that can't be it. I shove food down my throat.

At least I'm not bingeing and purging. (That's a good thing, right?) Because I still overeat at times, although rarely, and I accept that I need to digest the food -- as a lesson or something. That there is no quick fix. I need to have self-restraint. It's aweful. I hate myself for it.

But I'm getting off-track.

I want to have more self-discipline. I NEED TO WANT THIS. Why does the world have to be so down on fanatical dieting? I don't think I suffer from an ED (not anymore?) I just need to feel addicted to weight-loss in order to do anything about it. I need to be obsessed for it to work.

Maybe I'm not even describing it correctly. Maybe I just need to be COMMITTED to it. (Not obsessed.)

I miss being thin. I'm just average. I want to feel my ribs poking out of my chest as I lie in bed falling asleep.

Listening to:
Thinking:
Weight:

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My current state is:

recent entries:

Bah - 138 07.19.08
Losing control - 135 07.11.06
Spa weekend - 132 07.03.06
Drinking too much - 134 06.27.06
Okay weekend - ??? 06.26.06